Coming to terms with my kinky self hasn’t been a walk in the park. It’s been an unnecessarily long, bumpy and at times treacherous hike up an unforgiving mountain. There are days I feel like I'm still at the base camp. I’m not playing the blame game, but being the eldest son of a traditional Cambodian Chinese family definitely hasn’t helped. I clung onto shame like a life raft. Anyone Asian reading this will most likely be nodding uncomfortably at this point in recognition. Emotional blackmail and shame was our preferred love language. I was taught that difference, poverty and queerness were things to be ashamed of and endured. So I hid my sexuality and kink like my life depended on it. Then I believed that would be the only way I’d ever be accepted.
When I think back to that love starved kid so many years ago, It breaks my heart to think that young folks today are more than likely still walking the same tightrope of shame. I’d like to go back in time to give that kid a big hug. I’d let know him that everyone deserves to be loved just as they are. No catches.
Loveable with all their kinks, bends and bumps.
I’d longed for and searched for someone who looked like me who was unapologetically kinky. I never found that role model. A unicorn-like, empowered Asian man who could talk about sex, ethical non monogamy while effortlessly living a whole hearted, full life. While I’m far from perfect and certainly not unicorn sparkly, I’m pushing myself to be more visible as a happy, thruppled and kinky AF gay Asian man! Visibility matters. While I don’t see myself as some aspirational influencer, I can be a voice for kindness, kink and a queer experience.
Some of you reading this have known me for years and had no idea I am in a poly relationship, kinky and queer identified.
To me, my life isn’t so very different from others. I just have a few more people loving me is all. I have a primary partner of ten years I love with all my heart. We live in a tiny apartment with our two dogs and I wouldn’t have it any other way. In that way we may look just like many other couples. We laugh a lot together, argue sometimes and have supported each other through thick and thin. While we have lots of shared interests and family time we also have quality time apart. It’s because and not in spite of this space that we can surprise, excite and celebrate one another. Additionally I have a hand full of lovers I’ve been seeing regularly. Some of us have loved each other for more than fifteen years. Im thankful that there’s so much love in my life. It’s because of all of these relationships that I can thrive. I’m kinda high maintenance in case you hadn’t guessed.
With professional help over the years, I’ve learned so much about myself and understand that my comparatively high desire for so much physical touch may be because of the very quiet upbringing I had. In the home I grew up in we didn’t verbally express love, we didn’t sing, dance and unfortunately we didn’t hug each other. This isn’t uncommon for many South East Asian families.
There are reasons for that, but that’s another story. My young parents barely escaped Pol Pot’s genocide and have their own traumas to heal. They did the best they knew how and made sure we had everything we needed, often sacrificing and not prioritising themselves. Thankfully, over the years they have softened and we now hug farewell, say I love you all the time and they are learning to express love, affection and kindness. It’s been WORK. Lol. But worth it.
For me kink is like meditation, music or dance. It’s a somatic practice that takes me both away from and also into myself. It frees me of the self imposed ideas of who and how I am supposed to be, while tapping into powerful parts of my being that given voice in the safe container of kink exploration thrive and can be born into existence.
In the way a meditator, musician or dancer may practice their craft to find expression, creativity and to touch the ineffable- I practice kink.
Behind closed doors (sometime outdoors lol) I make time to practice intimacy, sex and connection. I hone these skills to become more sensitive to myself and my partner’s verbal and non verbal communications. Exploring, playing with my partner/s I plan, strategise and practice how to be present for myself and others. When I can be in the moment we can surprise, delight and terrify one another. Ive found that in this liminal space of discovery lives vulnerability, connection and freedom. At it’s most powerful we have danced in a flow state, allowing one another to be the things we sometimes fear to speak out loud- To be a slut, to be a villain, to ask for unspeakable things and to have those needs met…
It’s a performance for each other. From the outside looking in it may be a strange, terrifying and sometimes comic scene. However looking from outside gives nothing of the trust, fear, doubt, letting go of heartbreak and emotional journey travelled to lean into vulnerability. As Antoine de Saint Exupery wrote in Le Petit Prince “ It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye”. To breathe life into unspoken desires and the agency of another those moments feel oftentimes more real that everyday life.
In this way, Kink is my artform. As profound as a meditation atop the Himalayas, as moving as a piece of beautiful music and as touching as a sitting in the front row of a Pina Bausch performance.
I invite you to make your chosen intimacy your art practice. A dedication and deepening practice into the indescribable joy that is connection.
Gatsby Lim
Photography: Skiinmode, Bangkok 2022
